XnebulousX's Xanga

where you'll find me now

Tue, 09 May 2006 15:09:52 GMT

Friday, August 19, 2005

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 19:03:34 GMT

So this is my 18th birthday.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 18:04:00 GMT

CANCELLED.

Fuck me.

I have a bottle of wine and no corkscrew. Anyone willing to share give me a call. I want to go on a picnic.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 19:26:41 GMT

OPEN CASTING, FUCK, CAST CALL!!!

Many of you will be receiving phone calls today requesting your help on the set of a new music video, The Beatles' "Why Don't We Do it on the Road?"

If for some reason I don't have your phone number or don't know you, please feel free to call me at 218-233-5299 --I will be home most of the rest of today. Tomorrow from 11-3 pm I can be found being a fabulous waitress at Saffron on 32nd Ave South in Fargo. And Sunday I will be serving samosas and chai at the Fargo Theatre for a special showing of Perineeta. Otherwise, call my cell (612-232-6867) or email mcde0074@umn.edu.

Monday is my day of rest, so filming is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday though it could go to Monday I suppose.

DON'T MISS OUT on this awesome collaboration of Ally Carey, Taylor Strande, Eli Hunstad and of course myself!

Monday, July 04, 2005

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 17:47:15 GMT

And here I thought all this fabulous weight loss was my doing.

I have been informed I have an ulcer- it started last fall, and I wrote it off as stress.

Me = So pumped for the camera down the throat thing.

*612-232-6867*

Monday, June 27, 2005

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 06:17:36 GMT

now playing ://brand new - okay i believe you but my tommy gun don't//:

Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore

This CD is my present to you. You'll need some basics as well as bittorrent or a similar client. Happy fucking summer!

Coldplay - Fix You

Teitur - To Meet You

Death Cab For Cutie - Blacking Out The Friction (Live)

Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life

Brand New - Okay I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't

Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

Ben Harper - Another Lonely Day

Sam Roberts - Where Have All The Good People Gone

Modest Mouse - Bury Me With It

The Killers - Mr. Brightside

Coldplay - Warning Sign

Come visit Minneapolis. You'll find me in Loring Park.

Utilikilts

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling,
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Edit: My kisses get me into trouble. That's all I'm going to say.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 04:38:22 GMT

now playing ://modest mouse - bukowski//:

An update...

Happy graduation!

I am moving to Minneapolis tomorrow, Saturday, to live with Timmy and Chad.

Wish me luck.

218-790-0685

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 00:30:18 GMT

So I've found something good and I'm not letting go of it.

not that you care
but I just though I'd share
just finished hanging out with some friends
and now I'm much happier in the end

we laughed and played our silly card games
talking about movies and people until the night came
played some pool and drank some iced tea
it felt great to remember what it was like to be me

I'm letting go of xanga. Goodbye.

Take another pill and grow up big and strong
Pull the gloves out of the oven and put the mitts on
Churn the butter and be sure to day trade at night
Keep your grades and your chin up and you'll be all right

Get a job, a career and two point three kids
401k and a nest egg for when your mid-life crisis hits
Focus on your school and don't go out at night
Save your time and money for after life passes you by

Eat all your peas, okra and veggies on your plate
Don't do drugs, trust Jesus and erase the hate
Take your vitamins, amphetamines and Prozac at night
Tomorrow you'll wake up a little less connected to life

Vote for your puppets and support your corporate whores
Smoke your cancer sticks as you walk through the grocery store
Eat from your food pyramid and listen to pop on MTV
Drink down your death in the form of bitter black caffeine

Become a cardboard cutout to make mom and dad proud to be you
Earn your piece of paper and take your place as corporate glue
Eat your Big Macs and drink your Daiquiris at night
The bar is safe-haven for those who gave up the fight

Remember the names of dead soldiers and presidents on the wall
Tributes to a past they fought for that you hardly know at all
For a moment simply forget what it's like to be in your shoes
And cherish all the hopes and dreams that the world ripped from you

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 22:12:07 GMT

now playing ://!!! - shit scheisse merde pt. 1//:

Last night put me in a fabulous mood, and no one can ruin that for me. The Jones was fucking amazing. To simplify, I went through a tough hour or so of fear after my initial high, but managed to pull out of it by around eleven o'clock. It is a very happy new year.

After wearing a 12 ga ring in my lip for the better part of these past two months, I stretched to 10 ga last night for a few hours, and came back down to 14 ga before passing out. I loved the feeling of the larger gauge, the weight, but found it impractical. I'm liking this new outlook on my modifications; I will get my wrist tattoos this winter. I want to mark an important life event. As far as day three, I'm going to keep it short and to the point so I can go have pizza with three of the most wonderful people in the world.

Day Three: I'm extremely paranoid.

For the most part, I can control this side of myself when I'm around others. It's really only when I'm alone that this comes out, and it's for the better. More and more I just find myself doing irrational things like constantly closing and locking my doors, making sure there's always a light on, checking my phone for a call too often. I always think I hear my phone ringing. I can't tell if it's unhealthy, as it doesn't seem to affect my day to day life, but maybe I'm just a little bit crazy. That's a loose interpretation of the word. I think when I'm left with my thoughts, it just gets a bit overwhelming (much like last night did). Part of what I'm working at is rebuilding relationships not so much to control this alone time and stop the thought process, but to gain a better balance in life.

I hope your new year looks just as promising.

Friday, December 31, 2004

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 19:57:07 GMT

now playing ://rent//:

Thank you for all of your kind responses yesterday. You're all right, it's not the usual xanga material and that's why I like it. For the first time in five or six years, after reading most of your comments, I fell asleep peacefully and it didn't take me the usual hour or two. I mean, I've always known my real friends would stick with me no matter what, and some of you already knew most of that anyway. Regardless of whether you were all reading this though, it's good for me to get down, so at least for now I can continue pretty easily. Seven days is starting to seem like a long time, but I'll take it step by step.

Day Two: I'm a really angry person. I think I have rage.

Okay, this won't be as interesting as yesterday, but this is a pretty important subject for me to explore so I'm just going to let things out as they come. For me, this is the hardest. Most of my friends have probably never seen me angry, or sad for that matter; it's kind of rare for me to show too much emotion, and something I try to keep inside for my bedroom and my writing. Most of the time though, when I do get really angry, it's taken out on my family. I'm kind of known to blow up behind our closed doors. I've punched holes in my bedroom door (thus the new one) and a few walls, thrown the phone across the room, and threatened my little sisters. I'm the one who broke our storm door, by slamming it. I'm definitely not proud of any of it. I wish I could say I didn't know where this agression came from, but I think I can explain to some degree.

I can't remember a thing about my biological father other than his name, and what my mom has told me about his abuse. She can't even find any pictures she hasn't cut him out of, so I've just learned to accept it. When I was really little, even before kindergarden, John adopted me, so I've always considered him my Dad. My Dad has always had an awful temper. I was spanked as punishment, as I remember, at least until the age of 11 or 12. Sometimes when I was smaller my Dad would grab me by the ankles and swing me upside down in addition. It left awful bruises in that handprint shape, sometimes on the backs of my thighs when he missed. The only defense I ever learned was to run, and once we moved to Moorhead I bought the keyed locks for my bedroom doors for this reason. The worst it ever got was when one my sisters would start crying and he'd automatically assume I had done something. It was always my fault, without trial. I would jump up and run down to my room and try to shut and lock the door, but sometimes he was a lot quicker than I thought. Once, when I was about 10 years old, I ended up sitting on the floor in front my closet with him towering over me screaming. On the door handle next to me hung my silly, little, plastic Green Bay Packers helmet. It was part of my Halloween costume one year, and I liked it a lot as I kind of prided myself on cheering for the Packers while my Dad prefered the Vikings. It must have been my first rebellion. In the heat of the moment, yelling and spitting at me, he grabbed the helmet and smashed it on the floor in front of me, and then he left. Things with him always ended that way, making it seem like whatever he had done was somehow justifiable. He's done better, though, like threatening to throw my computer out a window. That time, Freshman year, I ran all the way from my house to the high school just to get away.

I'm not sure if it's the same feeling for him, but sometimes I'd just really like to hurt something or someone. I clench my fists and focus all of my energy into this huge ball of anger. It's escalated to something I can't really control, like the last outburst I had...

Two weeks ago I was working on a video for a cast member to submit to The Biggest Loser, which is neat in itself. I was just getting frustrated because I couldn't transfer the completed video from camera to VHS tape. I think I've since learned that my VCR doesn't work. That night, I was already late for my 6:00 p.m. call at FMCT. I had gottent the video footage at 9:30 a.m. (our morning performance) and was left with the task to have it ready to mail before 9:00 p.m., so I had to finish before we left. It was almost six o'clock when my Mom came downstairs wondering what was taking me so long, and she tried to convince me to give up. I could tell she was a little mad that I was going to be late, plus I'd been letting the car run for nearly half an hour now. That's when I blew up. I didn't hurt anything or anyone, but for the first time ever I let all the profanities that come out of my mouth daily just spew forward at my Mom. It was fucking this, and fucking that; things she'd really never heard me say before, and I was downright yelling them. I was slamming my mouse on its pad and tears started running down my face. It had been tough enough for me to edit the video with all the spyware my sisters must have gotten on my computer, so I took it out on her. I said I'd kill Molly and Hannah in their sleep if they couldn't learn to respect my things. I... lost it.

I'm starting to think that I may wish I was still an only child, because I was until the age of 6 when my first sister was born. I'm jealous of them, and how my Dad 'loves them more.' That's a big part of it, I have trouble feeling loved. The anger just builds up for weeks, or maybe months, and all comes out in its purest, darkest form when I finally let it.

Now that I can put this all into words, out here for everyone to see, I think I can start to change it. I know I'll probably need a lot of help and it will be tough, and I may be a bit more emotional all around, but I think it's the right thing to do for myself. I'm making 2005 about improving myself internally as best I can, so that maybe I won't fuck up my next relationship quite as fantastically as the last. Really, I think it's a pretty simplistic goal that just takes a whole lot of focus on my part.

"It's gonna be a happy new year..."